my mind has been a million places this last year [hell, these last 2 years] and more often than not i can’t settle it down to spit out a post. i know that most of this scatterbrained feeling can be attributed to not knowing how best to sum up where i’m at with life. how do you really explain quitting a great full time job, giving up the home that i love so much and leaving my incredible[!!!!] friends and family, all to hop on a plane to go 1/2 way around the world for 7 months? it’s hard on paper. but it makes a lot more sense when you see me and can tell that’s exactly what i need. i’ve had a few people tell me “you seem happier” … and that is probably the absolute BEST compliment someone could give me right now. happiness is what i crave.
——–
but sometimes music has that touch to inspire writing. i love that.
——–
as i sit here drowning in books, moving boxes, tape, string, cats who love string and more boxes, i was surprised when a selection of songs broke my concentration and made me sit back and look around. i took a moment to think about how happy i was to create this home, how much i have obsessively loved this home over the last 4 years and how much i have lost in this home.
——–
and that made me think, “yeah maybe now is the time to write THAT post.”
——–
today is not September 1st but it’s just around the corner which is too close for comfort. it will mark another year. i would like to be able to look at the positives and say, “yes, it is another year of loss but it is also another year of survival!” but right now i’m not feeling that. right now i am focused on how he could get lost in reading his Sibley Guide to Trees, how he practically refused to miss Hawkeye football games, how he loved his little nephew in the most adorable way and how he put up with the girls even if they did play tag on the bed while he tried to sleep. he wanted to travel everywhere, he wanted to own a house, he wanted to get married and he wanted to always have good food and beer in our fridge. right now i am focused on those kinds of little things that so often fill my mind.
——–
[ps – if you have gotten to this point and are wondering what this entire cryptic post is about, maybe check this out and then after that, how about this one … those should be the candles in the dark you might need]
——–
so what is my plan for the 1st? great question. a small smattering of people have also asked me that. well, up until two nights ago i really had no concrete plan. the problem [sorta] is that i decided a little over a year ago that i would do something incredibly epic each year on this anniversary. last year was a good start. i was thrilled to climb a mountain in Yellowstone with a great friend and cheers some delicious Minnesota beers at the top. it was invigorating, refreshing and exactly what he would have wanted me to do at that exact moment.
but when i thought about this year i got stuck. i had wanted to do a hot air balloon ride for some reason but after a while that didn’t feel quite right. after racking my brain [and honestly, doing more avoiding than thinking] i told another great friend my thoughts and she said, very insightfully, “Jess, you are moving out of your home and going to New Zealand all within the following 2.5 weeks … isn’t that pretty epic?” … Yes, I see where you are going with that… So instead she proposed the idea of doing a myriad of small activities around town that would honor Mur and the bazillion things he loved about life, Minnesota and me. That seemed like a really nice and low stress way to celebrate him as i wrap my head around all the emotions involved with leaving. So that’s what I’ve decided. We’ll see if I can get our canoe out on a lake, but it’s one of my goals. That and drinking lots of beer, cooking from one of his favorite cookbooks [Fat], hiking in the woods, watching the Hawkeyes kick some A, brewing a new batch of beer with dad and loving each of the memories that I have with him and how thankful I am to have more than doubled my family because i knew him. I owe him a lot!
i hope to still post a few things before i leave but i also hope to bake cookies before my garage sale next weekend as well as paint a herringbone pattern on a bedroom wall at my dad’s house. we’ll see what of those 3 actually get done! if you don’t hear from me again real soon know that i am moving into a special chapter of my life and figuring out what that looks like. i still LOOOOOOOVE animals and in fact, plan to do some work with them in New Zealand while i’m there – i hear they have a few sheep?? and when i get back to the states next spring i plan to pick Chocolate Moose up right where i am leaving off. if you want to see all that you can see of my trips, i’d say find me on instagram and start following [@chocomooseimages].
——–
so until next time, know that i am powering forward, day by day. and i will be literally powering 18hours ahead of Central Time in just 3 short weeks. wow. i should maybe get back to boxing up those books now.
——–
hugs and besos!!!!
Oh Jess. I had no idea. I’m sitting here crying at my computer. I’m so sorry for your loss but I am so happy that you are able to look both back and forward with hope and positive thoughts. Your trip is going to be epic and I can’t wait to hear all about it. -xo
Dearest Jess – I think about you frequently and how much I cherish our friendship. Even though I never had the privilege of meeting this wonderful man, I feel like I know him from your pictures, stories, and by knowing you. I am excited for your epic trip halfway around the world and will miss you while you’re gone! If you need cookies for your garage sale, just say the word and I’ll get baking for you. 🙂 Hugs back!
F****g rock it out, I love it!
I love this and I love you and I love that you’re about to embark on an amazing adventure! I’m going to start following you on instagram as soon as its downloading… 🙂
I love the way that you talk about him! I am so thrilled for this new journey for you and even more happy that you’re taking time before you leave to honor Murray. Gosh, you are one amazing girl Jess!!!!!! Just one amazing girl!!!!
Hi Jess, I hope your day is going well. I know it is a hard one but you sure know how to celebrate Murray in style! Love you! Enjoy every day just as Murray would want you to!
I know we aren’t even close, but you inspire and amaze me from afar, on a regular basis. From my point of view, it seems you are doing EXACTLY the right things. Celebrating. Remembering. Being. Honoring. Living.
Hugs to you.
Jess, You have an incredible way of writing. I really don’t know how you do it. I think of you often and am amazed to hear about your journey. As already stated…you are amazing! Good Luck in New Zealand!!!
Jess, I think I have some blog reading to do to catch up. I don’t know what has happened to Murray but I think I know by reading your recent post. I just want you to know I think you are amazing and I am so proud of you for doing what you are about to do! I can’t imagine the emotions you must go through on a day-to-day basis but this journey seems perfect. I am sending big hugs to you and I am glad you will return to your photography business here because it really is incredible! The personalities of these animals coming through your lens is so pure and full of life! Thinking of you and wishing you only the very best in life! Shelley